[ Okay, how do you do this...? It was so rare to see Ryoko like this, if anything, Taiga was the one in this position most often. Umm... a blanket! That always helps, especially if it's a big comforter. And.. water! A glass of water couldn't hurt, either. Food... could probably wait, that would end up being more trouble for Ryoko.
With comfort items acquired, Taiga meekly looks at Ryoko, trying to figure out what she should even say. ]
[ wait wait wait, she had misheard Ryoko... right? There's no way that could've happened, hadn't they just sorted everything out? Everyone seemed to be content, even if things were a little awkward for Taiga but that was something she had to deal with herself. ]
What do you mean, you...? Did s-something happen? If i-it was a fight, I'm... I'm sure it'll be okay?
[ what the hell is she even saying, she's probably just making things worse ]
[ Ryoko shakes her head. She was content, but her mind wandered far too much. She started to think on everything she had said, everything she had felt... ]
No... nothing like that.
[ She recoils, clutching on tightly to the blanket. ]
I... mm... I thought about everything. How I should do something for myself for once, and I realized... was the one thing I'm doing for myself even real? Was it okay to be in a relationship with someone who loves you, when you're not sure you share the same kind of love?
[ It might have been. Ultimately, she still has second thoughts, third thoughts, keeps thinking on what she should've done as opposed to what she did. ]
...if I can't figure that out for myself... I don't... I don't want to hurt her if I'm wrong. I don't want to hurt anyone because of how I feel.
[ It aches to see Ryoko like this. Taiga wants so badly to intervene, to try and convince Ryoko that she was doing something wrong, but what right did she have? She didn't know the first thing about relationships of her own--except getting in the way, she's starting to realise. Any advice she'd try to give would ring hollow, or would make matters worse, so maybe she should just stay quiet and step back.
What did it even mean, "same kind of love"? Love was... love, right? Taiga bites her lip, trying to parse the meaning of all this. ]
I...I don't think you were hurting her. You... [ You didn't hurt anyone? That's ridiculous. This whole mess was because she hurt Taiga, wasn't it? Ryoko deserves better than desperate platitudes. ]
[ She didn't know exactly what she wanted to hear from Taiga. Maybe Yuuto was right in a sense, that she did want to be scolded. She did want to be told she was making the wrong choice.
Even though, she doesn't know if that's true or not. She knows she didn't hurt Fauna up until she did this. ]
...but... I could have. Not now, but...
[ She rubs at her eyes again. ]
I... I asked her out so she'd know she could be loved. She was getting self destructive, and hurting herself... and we fell into a dream where we were in love... I thought... I thought that felt right, but...
[ She trails off. This was all for someone else, but was it for her? ]
[ That... didn't make much sense to Taiga, but there had to be more to it. Dreams weren't real, they were random situations or wish fulfillment and it'd be silly to put so much stock into them... right? But then what did that mean for her dreams... Still, she can't say that, not when it was so blatantly important to Ryoko. ]
Isn't it... better that you told her, instead of pretending? Then... it would've been harder. I-if things kept going, and you decided...
[ She can't get the image of Fauna out of her mind. "Do you love her, too?" Did Taiga give her the right response, back then? She didn't see her feelings as love, so of course she denied it. Ryoko was an important friend. She must have messed up somehow, or else this wouldn't have happened. If she would have kept running, would Ryoko be happy? Or would it have ended up like this, anyway? ]
You... never do think about yourself, huh.
[ It sounds so stupid to verbalise, but Taiga can't think of anything else to say. ]
[ It was true, though. That was the problem. She couldn't explain the dream, not right now. She couldn't feel able to bring attention to Tau and the rumor that sprouted. It didn't feel good to think about, how they tried to get closer to each other as two normal high schoolers, and then again outside of the dream...
It really was her thinking about what would be good for Fauna. Without thinking about what would be good for herself. ]
I... I'll be fine. I just need a little time... I just... I don't know.
I don't think... you need to be fine right away. Sometimes it won't be, right? And all you wanna do is sleep, until it stops hurting so badly. I think... that would be okay.
[ She knows it's not the healthiest way of coping with things, but it was all Taiga knew--that and lashing out at others, but Ryoko was never that kind of person. She was caring to a fault, and it's not lost on Taiga that the one time Ryoko does something for herself... this is the result. No wonder it was so difficult for her. ]
No one would be mad. I'd make sure they understood.
[ Nodding, Ryoko just kind of buries her head into her knees. She knows that she won't do that, that she has to keep herself busy or despair'll actually set in. She doesn't know what that would entail for her specifically, but she doesn't want to be listless, hurt, unavailable.
She won't be fine right away, she knows it. She even wanted to assuage Taiga's worry about her, the usual way. Making sure they understood...
That almost sounds like a threat.
Instead, all that really comes out is a choked out-- ]
Aisaka-san--
[ Why? Why would she go that far for her, when she didn't deserve that kind of protection? This was something that she would understand if those close to Fauna, those in the ADA-- especially someone who probably wasn't fond of her that much to begin with like Akutagawa-- wanted nothing to do with her anymore.
[ It sounds like a threat because Taiga still can't express herself in a more elegant manner, after all these years. If anyone wanted to hate Ryoko for this, it felt like her duty to prevent them from getting close to Ryoko again. That kind of solution was easier, more effective than anything else she'd come up with. ]
...Don't worry, I'm not gonna pick any fights.
[ She sighs, expression shifting to concern as she watches Ryoko. It felt unnatural to see her like this. ]
You don't have to keep talking if you don't wanna... I won't mind.
[ Not talking was probably what got her in this mess in the first place. In fact, there were a lot of problems Ryoko had that ultimately led to this. Her first relationship, ended because she didn't want to hurt the other person's feelings long term.
Here she was, yet again, dumping all of her emotional baggage onto Taiga. ]
S...Sorry. I've put you through a lot lately.
[ Even before they got here. Ironically, Ryoko's feeling like she's the burden. ]
I get it, if you want to want to leave me here to stew for a while. I'll completely understand-- I'm not very fun like this.
[ She's the one causing all the trouble. It's pointless to try and convince Ryoko of that, so Taiga steers around the topic. ]
I just don't want to be making you think and talk about things if it'd make it worse. It'd piss me off... I dunno. I guess you don't really get angry much. But I don't care about you being fun or not.
We could talk about whatever... Don't people always talk about the weather, when they wanna talk but don't wanna say anything?
[ A soft laugh. That sounds like one of the most miserable conversation topics Taiga's ever heard, if she were to be honest. But if it helped, she'd suck it up. ]
[ Taiga breaks out into a smile at the mention of Christmas. It had been so long since she'd thought about the holiday; there were too many other things to worry about in Nyoi-cho after her first attempt at celebrating. ]
The cold is part of the holidays! Do you think... [ Should she get her hopes up? ] You think we could celebrate Christmas this year?
Of course we can. I don't know that anyone particularly celebrates it here, but we could always bring it up to everyone else. We'll make Christmas count this year.
[ A light smile on her end. Christmas sounded important to Taiga before, and they both ended up miserable at the end of the season. One more chance to make that better, and to actually celebrate... she'd help in any way she could to make that happen. ]
Mmm... that'd mean a lot to me. Even if people don't know, it's fun to celebrate things. Maybe we could even do gifts? It doesn't have to be anything super fancy, but it'd be fun...
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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With comfort items acquired, Taiga meekly looks at Ryoko, trying to figure out what she should even say. ]
W...what's wrong?
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...ultimately. She has to come out and say it. Taiga was upset that she was out of the loop in the first place... ]
...I... I broke up with Fauna.
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[ wait wait wait, she had misheard Ryoko... right? There's no way that could've happened, hadn't they just sorted everything out? Everyone seemed to be content, even if things were a little awkward for Taiga but that was something she had to deal with herself. ]
What do you mean, you...? Did s-something happen? If i-it was a fight, I'm... I'm sure it'll be okay?
[ what the hell is she even saying, she's probably just making things worse ]
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No... nothing like that.
[ She recoils, clutching on tightly to the blanket. ]
I... mm... I thought about everything. How I should do something for myself for once, and I realized... was the one thing I'm doing for myself even real? Was it okay to be in a relationship with someone who loves you, when you're not sure you share the same kind of love?
[ It might have been. Ultimately, she still has second thoughts, third thoughts, keeps thinking on what she should've done as opposed to what she did. ]
...if I can't figure that out for myself... I don't... I don't want to hurt her if I'm wrong. I don't want to hurt anyone because of how I feel.
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What did it even mean, "same kind of love"? Love was... love, right? Taiga bites her lip, trying to parse the meaning of all this. ]
I...I don't think you were hurting her. You... [ You didn't hurt anyone? That's ridiculous. This whole mess was because she hurt Taiga, wasn't it? Ryoko deserves better than desperate platitudes. ]
I'm... I'm sorry. I don't...
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[ She didn't know exactly what she wanted to hear from Taiga. Maybe Yuuto was right in a sense, that she did want to be scolded. She did want to be told she was making the wrong choice.
Even though, she doesn't know if that's true or not. She knows she didn't hurt Fauna up until she did this. ]
...but... I could have. Not now, but...
[ She rubs at her eyes again. ]
I... I asked her out so she'd know she could be loved. She was getting self destructive, and hurting herself... and we fell into a dream where we were in love... I thought... I thought that felt right, but...
[ She trails off. This was all for someone else, but was it for her? ]
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[ That... didn't make much sense to Taiga, but there had to be more to it. Dreams weren't real, they were random situations or wish fulfillment and it'd be silly to put so much stock into them... right?
But then what did that mean for her dreams...Still, she can't say that, not when it was so blatantly important to Ryoko. ]Isn't it... better that you told her, instead of pretending? Then... it would've been harder. I-if things kept going, and you decided...
[ She can't get the image of Fauna out of her mind. "Do you love her, too?" Did Taiga give her the right response, back then? She didn't see her feelings as love, so of course she denied it. Ryoko was an important friend. She must have messed up somehow, or else this wouldn't have happened. If she would have kept running, would Ryoko be happy? Or would it have ended up like this, anyway? ]
You... never do think about yourself, huh.
[ It sounds so stupid to verbalise, but Taiga can't think of anything else to say. ]
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[ It was true, though. That was the problem. She couldn't explain the dream, not right now. She couldn't feel able to bring attention to Tau and the rumor that sprouted. It didn't feel good to think about, how they tried to get closer to each other as two normal high schoolers, and then again outside of the dream...
It really was her thinking about what would be good for Fauna. Without thinking about what would be good for herself. ]
I... I'll be fine. I just need a little time... I just... I don't know.
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[ She knows it's not the healthiest way of coping with things, but it was all Taiga knew--that and lashing out at others, but Ryoko was never that kind of person. She was caring to a fault, and it's not lost on Taiga that the one time Ryoko does something for herself... this is the result. No wonder it was so difficult for her. ]
No one would be mad. I'd make sure they understood.
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She won't be fine right away, she knows it. She even wanted to assuage Taiga's worry about her, the usual way. Making sure they understood...
That almost sounds like a threat.
Instead, all that really comes out is a choked out-- ]
Aisaka-san--
[ Why? Why would she go that far for her, when she didn't deserve that kind of protection? This was something that she would understand if those close to Fauna, those in the ADA-- especially someone who probably wasn't fond of her that much to begin with like Akutagawa-- wanted nothing to do with her anymore.
Every time, she wanted her to be safe. ]
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...Don't worry, I'm not gonna pick any fights.
[ She sighs, expression shifting to concern as she watches Ryoko. It felt unnatural to see her like this. ]
You don't have to keep talking if you don't wanna... I won't mind.
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Here she was, yet again, dumping all of her emotional baggage onto Taiga. ]
S...Sorry. I've put you through a lot lately.
[ Even before they got here. Ironically, Ryoko's feeling like she's the burden. ]
I get it, if you want to want to leave me here to stew for a while. I'll completely understand-- I'm not very fun like this.
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That's not it.
[ She's the one causing all the trouble. It's pointless to try and convince Ryoko of that, so Taiga steers around the topic. ]
I just don't want to be making you think and talk about things if it'd make it worse. It'd piss me off... I dunno. I guess you don't really get angry much. But I don't care about you being fun or not.
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[ ...not at Taiga.
No, that felt inappropriate to say, really. Navigating this was ridiculous, for the most part. ]
Mmm... I... I guess I could use time to think. I'm not... not really sure what to talk about, though.
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[ A soft laugh. That sounds like one of the most miserable conversation topics Taiga's ever heard, if she were to be honest. But if it helped, she'd suck it up. ]
It's up to you.
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It is going to get colder soon. Oh, you know, before we know it, it'll be Christmas again, won't it? I mean, it's still pretty far away, but...
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The cold is part of the holidays! Do you think... [ Should she get her hopes up? ] You think we could celebrate Christmas this year?
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[ A light smile on her end. Christmas sounded important to Taiga before, and they both ended up miserable at the end of the season. One more chance to make that better, and to actually celebrate... she'd help in any way she could to make that happen. ]
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[ No, she hasn't forgotten that. ]